So today you saw what happened, I was with him and during the bus ride home I purposely acted cold towards him. God, I am so confused. I want to talk to him comfortably like we used to, and pretend that nothing happened, and yes, I understand that it will make him the happiest. But at the same time, I know that without distance, he might still continue to love me. I know this for a fact because in the past experience with my ex, when we broke up, I begged him to stay or at least say goodbye with a smile. Deep down I knew my heart wouldn't let go though, if it happened my way. In the end, although it was cruel, I realise my ex did the right thing to cut me off straight away. In turn that made me get over him faster, than it probably would have if it went my way. Maybe I'm feeling what my ex felt back then. As much as I love him as a friend, it hurts so much but I should do what I have to do and pretend that its not okay, so he can back away.
What should I do, God? Do I act the way I feel - that desire to just talk to him normally? Or act cold towards him?
When we arrived at the point where he dropped me off, he hugged me and told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say. And as soon as he turned his head around and left, I cried. At first I thought I cried for different reasons, but now I realise I cry because I regret treating him so badly.
I'm also confused with my feelings for him right now. Do I feel this desire because I pity him.. or because I might actually have feelings? I'm desperate to hear Your words to heal and calm the storm going on right now in my heart, God.
I will read your words now and see what I can find.
Thanks for listening to me God.